Unrequited Assortment
by Thirteenth-D
Summary: A series of poems, related and unrelated, about Maura's unknown love for Jane that I'm apparently obsessed with.
1. Goodnight Moon

A knock on the door,

My eyes drag open,

My mind's a cloud of haze.

Who's at my door?

I see you, dark circles under your eyes

Your hair's ruffled, untidy

You're a mess.

I suddenly remember the case,

The gruesome pictures,

Images engraved into my mind forever.

I'm barely holding myself up,

How are you standing strong still?

"Jane?"

"Can I stay here tonight?"

That's a stupid question.

When are you _not_ invited to spend the night?

When is there ever a time where I reject you?

"Of course, come in."

I try not to stare at you as you walk by.

You're so strong,

Emotionally, physically, mentally,

How do you do it?

He focused on you

And yet you walk around every day

Like those scars on your palms

_Don't matter!_

…

I wish I could forget like you.

I can't though.

Every incision I make with a scalpel,

I remember it.

Every cut, tear, and mark I make into a person's

Deceased body,

I remember it.

It haunts me sometimes.

Sometimes I hear them in my dreams.

They scream sometimes,

When I make the Y-cut,

Scream like they're being tortured.

I know they're dead.

The dreams still scare me though.

Those are the nights when I call you.

I need your strength so I don't crumble.

Is that why you seem so strong?

So I can lean on you when I need to?

Is that why you ignore the scars?

"Do you want a cup of coffee or—"

"I honestly just want you to hold me."

My breath stops.

I can't believe you said that.

Yet I can.

Sometimes I forget we're best friends,

Not lovers.

I hug you,

No,

I sink into you.

You need this,

But I need it too.

You release soft sobs and I struggle to keep myself composed.

I can't cry if you do,

You need someone strong,

Like Casey.

But you need someone soft,

Like me.

My pride swells as you grip my back as hard as you can.

You didn't run to him,

You ran to me instead.

I smile.

No,

I can't smile,

That would be sick,

Disgusting,

Taking pride in the fact that you love me more than Casey,

You don't realize it yet, and probably never will.

That's okay though,

I have you now, right?

"Come to bed, Jane."

"I'm tired. I'm so tired, Maura."

"A lot has happened."

We relax into our sides of the bed,

Funny, isn't it?

We have our own sides, but we aren't together.

I was under the impression that it was reserved for couples only.

Forgive my mistake.

"Hold me."

"I—"

"Please, Maura, I need it. I need you."

I can't deny you, or myself, any longer.

Forgive me please.

I press myself up to your back and spoon you.

I hold you tight against my body.

I relish in the heat your body releases.

I'm high on it.

I'm in love with you, and I just want you to feel cared for.

I can give you that emotional stability if you need it.

I can give you that shoulder should you start to cry.

I can give you all the love in the world no matter

How much it hurts me.

Because I love you, I will go through whatever amount of pain I have to.

"It's okay. Go to sleep. I've got you."


	2. Breathe

The basement is cold,

It's always cold,

So the decomposition of the bodies slows down.

I slowly make an incision,

Into the dead man's body.

It's a new case.

He's discolored.

I haven't found out why.

I hear the doors fly open.

You rush in

And I'm worried.

The look on your face,

It's slightly stressed,

But I also see a smile.

"Maura."

It shouts like a shout in the cold, metallic room of the morgue.

"What is it?"

I stop cutting.

You're more important.

"I'm pregnant."

A moment of breathlessness.

I can't breathe.

I'm trying to,

But my lungs…

They aren't working.

"What?"

I'm trying hard,

Jane,

Not to stutter.

I know how babies are formed.

I'm trying hard not to think of that,

Of him,

Doing those things to you.

The image makes me sick.

Nausea settles into deep into my stomach.

"I know, I can't believe it either."

You sound happy.

I try to be happy, but I can't,

Not past this wall of bile threatening to push through my mouth.

"Are you sure?"

The scalpel in my hand is shaking.

I almost throw it onto the tray before

Slamming my hands on the autopsy table next to the John Doe.

You can't see me shake.

"It was one of those at-home pregnancy tests,

But they're pretty accurate, right?"

Relatively.

"You should still see a doctor to make sure."

I avoid your eyes as I talk.

There's no way I can look into your

Eyes and not burst into

Tears.

It hurts.

Your happiness with the child

Is completely opposite of my

Horrid, soul-eating pain.

This…

_Relationship _

You have with

_Him_,

It's real.

It's officially real.

That _human child_ growing inside of you

Proves it.

"You're a doctor."

"I'm not a qualified gynecologist."

No.

I can't bear to test you to see if it's one hundred percent true.

I'm not sure if I can bear watching your stomach get

Bigger and bigger the more the child grows.

It's _his_.

I'm sorry.

The nausea digs deeper.

I can feel the bile in my throat.

It's threatening to spill out onto the poor man if front of me.

The images of him having sex with you,

The one who is supposed to be _mine_,

They're still stuck in my mind,

Making my sickness worse.

I can't take it.

"Are we done? I have to finish this autopsy."

I don't mean to snap at you,

I swear,

I just…

I can't.

I can't see you fawn over a baby that a bastard of a man

Gave you.

I hate him.

And I can't transfer that hatred to you

Just because you're carrying his child,

That would be wrong,

Insensitive.

"Yeah, sorry for bothering you."

I don't tell you that it's not you bothering me,

It's that _thing_ inside of you.

I hate Casey,

And, unfortunately,

I hate his child in turn.

I'm sorry,

So sorry.

The heavy doors close behind you,

You take the smell of your perfume with you.

Now it's just the smell of slowly decomposing bodies and chemicals.

I'm usually okay with the rather putrid smell.

But I still can't breathe.

I'm so sorry…


	3. Can't Help Falling In Love

**Hey guys, two chapters in one day, that's gotta be a new record. I mean, not really, I've just been feeling really angsty nowadays.**

**This one has a little hint of sexual themes, so read at your own risk I guess.**

**Definitely tell me what you think, because who doesn't love hearing from beautiful people like you everyday.**

**Seriously, you're beautiful and amazing.**

**And I might just be a little tipsy right now.**

**Let's just keep that between us though.**

**Anyway, enjoy this kind of angsty, kind of smutty poem. It's from Maura's point of view, just like every other chapter.**

**Love you guys, **

**S.**

* * *

My mind's hazy

I can't focus, really

I'm tipsy

From all the alcohol I've had.

I thought about you too long today.

It broke me.

You're so oblivious.

_Can't you get a clue?!_

_I'm usually the one who's oblivious,_

_But this time,_

_It's you!_

But I can't be mad at you for too long.

It never holds.

You always do something that's too cute or adorable

And I end up falling in love all over again.

When you raise your eyebrow I feel like swooning.

When your voice gets impossibly deeper

I feel like throwing you on a table and fucking you right there.

…

I want to feel you, Jane.

I want to feel your heat surrounding my fingers when I fuck you until you can't stand.

I want to come around your fingers as they pump in and out of me.

I want to hear you scream my name as you ride my fingers throughout the night.

I want to taste your deepest area until you cry out and beg me to finish you.

I want to feel your mouth on my most sensitive area until I'm sobbing with release.

I want to feel your everything against me, rocking, rubbing, sliding until we both shout in ecstasy.

I want to mark you in any and every way I can so that everyone knows you're mine.

I want you suck on you so hard you cry out for more.

But…

I also want to hold you throughout the night, no sex, just cuddling.

I want to kiss away all of your tears when a case gets too close since a lot more have been that way lately.

I want to kiss your lips raw before we go to work and tease you all throughout the day.

I want to hug you when you get home from a long day at work before serving you dinner.

I want to love you.

And I want you to love me back.

I want our hugs to be mutual in the amount of feelings put into them.

I want to hold your hand when we go into Boston Joe's and have you pull me closer.

I want you to make love to me, not just have sex.

I want to make love to you, not just have sex.

I want every part of you to myself.

I want to be selfish for once.

But more importantly…

I want you to be selfish for once.

I want you to want me so much you can't handle it.

I want you to love me so much you get drunk in the middle of the work week just to get me off of your mind.

Just like I have to.


	4. Unforgiven

**This is a companion piece to 'Breathe', just because BonesFABERRY suggested it and I thought it would be cool**

**A little bit of language, but whatever.**

**Enjoy, you guys,**

**S.**

* * *

He came to see you today.

I almost burst into tears.

I saw him rub your stomach lovingly.

You must have told him.

Wait, of _course_ you told him.

He's the father.

He must be proud.

He got you pregnant.

He would be proud.

He wouldn't be bothered with the sheer amount of responsibilities until _after_ the baby was born.

Hm, I wonder if he'll leave like he always does.

Leave you alone with the baby while he goes out for a six-month deployment.

I wonder if you'll still think he's amazing when you're barely making it by.

I wonder if you'll run to me like you always do when he leaves you dry and alone.

I wonder if you'll expect me to help you take care of _his_ child.

…

I wonder if I'll reject you.

Maybe I'll actually tell you about my feelings for you.

Maybe you'll ask to stay at my house, again, just so I can wake up at unholy hours of the morning with you like _Casey is supposed to._

Maybe when he comes back for good, you'll run away to him, like you always do, and forget everything I did for you.

Everything I was there for when he wasn't.

And he'll get to hold you until you both fall asleep.

Even though _I'm _the one who took care of you and _his_ kid, _He'll get every ounce of credit._

Why?

Because it was _his_ sperm that fertilized you?

How fair is that?

"I'm sorry, but I thought visitors were supposed to wait downstairs."

I almost shove him down the multiple flights of stairs.

He's lucky he's still recovering from his surgery.

That's the only thing that's keeping me from hurting him.

Hippocratic Oath be damned.

"Oh, hi Maura."

I hate every aspect of him.

He took you away from me.

I have a right to despise him.

"Maura, come on, he's allowed to be up here."

I want to yell at you.

I want to scream about how _fucking stupid _that is.

What?

He's your baby's father and suddenly he's the _fucking Lieutenant? _

_What the hell is wrong with you?_

"Rules are rules, protocol is protocol."

I can't stand the sight of him anymore.

I throw the autopsy report onto your desk before making my way to the elevators.

Fuck him _and _his baby.

I don't care if it's inside you or not.

It's his.

It has his DNA inside of it.

With my luck, it will probably _look_ like him too.

I don't care if you're going to be mad at me for basically telling him to get the fuck out.

I don't care if you never talk to me again.

…

That's not true.

Don't stop talking to me.

I couldn't handle that.

I'd rather go through the pain of watching your stomach grow than have you completely ignore me.

Please don't leave me.

I won't apologize for hating Casey, but I will apologize for being rude to him and, in turn, you.

It's just, it makes me mad that you give him everything and he gives you nothing in return.

Why can't you give me everything?

At least I'll give you something back.

That would be fair.

This situation isn't fair.

It hurts too much to be fair.


	5. Vulnerable

**Okay guys, MAJOR warning here. Nothing too graphic, however, there is a Major Character death.**

**This was your warning.**

**Other than that, **

**Enjoy, **

**S**

* * *

The sky is dark, almost black.

I'm driving slowly down an old dirt road.

The wiretap is itching mercilessly at my abdomen.

You suspected my date was the murderer.

I sure know how to pick them. Don't I, Jane?

This is what I get for trying to forget about you, I guess.

You told me everything that he did.

I don't know why, when _I_ did the autopsy.

But I guess I should've known.

I can never pick a good enough person to replace you.

They all end up serial killers or drug traffickers.

This one's a murderer. Isn't it great?

I reach his house. I pull into the driveway.

My palms are sweaty and my heart beats fast, too fast.

I'm walking into the Devil's Den. You're letting me.

You're lucky I trust you and your team.

I knock and after a few moments, he opens the door.

He invites me in, I start to stutter.

I'm too nervous.

I'm going to blow the undercover job.

He's going to find out.

I tell him I'm nervous about the date, that I'll mess something up, make him not like me.

He tells me it's absurd, that nothing I could do would make him dislike me.

I smile, act pleasant. Maybe I'll survive.

I know you're listening.

Every syllable, every whisper gets transferred into your ear piece.

I know you're just outside, ready to catch him right as he's about to kill me.

You told me everything before I drove up here.

Well, not the 'kill me' part.

I deduced that one.

He gives me a glass of wine.

I force myself to except it.

I fake a sip as he gulps half of it. I hope he believes it.

He smiles at me and it's slimy, putrid, disgusting, repulsive.

I give him a confused smile.

Why is he smiling at me like that?

You whisper through the ear piece.

_Don't drink the wine._

The wine… It's drugged.

He's waiting for me to pass out, keel over, show signs of the drug.

I feel like crying.

I know you're out there.

I know you'd protect me.

I'm still scared though.

My hands still shake.

He asks me if I'm still nervous.

I sheepishly tell him yes.

He can see through me.

I can tell.

I can see it.

I can almost smell it.

It's in the air.

He asks what I'm so freaked out about.

I almost whisper _the word_.

I don't.

There isn't sufficient evidence yet.

You need more.

I tell him that I feel so alone all the time.

I tell him the truth.

That I've felt so abandoned throughout my life.

That no matter what, I don't feel good enough.

And that for once, I don't want to be alone.

And I don't want to be abandoned anymore.

I want to feel like I am good enough.

He pities me.

I tell myself that's good.

He touches my lower back, close to the wire.

I'm terrified he notices it.

I don't think he does.

He leans in close.

He's whispering in my ear.

He knows I'm wearing a tap.

I hear you whisper go and suddenly I'm against his front.

I feel cold steel against my temple.

I'm sobbing.

I can feel my life slipping between my fingers.

Can you feel it too?

It's in his trigger finger.

This situation is so familiar.

It's too familiar.

I'm just as terrified as last time.

Your team bursts through the front and back doors. You follow.

_Let her go…_

I'm sobbing.

If I'm going to die, I want you to know.

I love you.

I love you so much I can't handle it.

It hurts, I love you so much.

The barrel presses further into my brow.

My face contorts worse.

I'm begging silently.

_Save me…_

I want to tell you, 'I love you.'

I want you scream it.

I notice, from far away, your earpiece is still in your ear.

I smile through my tears.

Through the pain and sorrow, I found a tiny light.

_Te amo con todo lo que soy._

Her eyes tears up.

I can see them roll down her face.

_Lo siento, amor._

And I am.

Right up until he pulls the trigger and everyone is too late.

I attend my own funeral, because it'd be rude to miss it.

You're crying the hardest, your family directly behind you mourning quieter.

My family is next to yours. Both of them.

They're crying too.

You're on the ground. I want to touch you.

I want to comfort you like all those other times.

But I can't.

Whatever I am, other than defying science everywhere, doesn't have the capabilities.

I kneel next to you.

My throat hurts with tears that won't come.

It's always like this.

I always feel as if I'm going to burst into tears.

I gently try to lay my hand on your back.

You stiffen and I wonder if you actually do feel me.

_Te amo con lo que soy_.

I'm whispering at first.

Then I'm yelling.

You need to hear it again.

You raise your head and I think you hear me.

But it's only to yell loudly and curl back into your ball.

After that, I notice you're a shell of what you were.

You don't smile.

I loved your smile.

You don't laugh.

I miss it so much.

You don't visit your mom anymore.

You can't step foot into my house.

You kept my surgical set, I noticed.

You don't let any one touch it.

It stays by your bedside until you come home.

Then you take out each individual tool, mess with it, put it back exactly how you found it.

You don't play with Jo Friday anymore either.

She misses you too.

You're alive, but you're not.

Jane, just because I'm dead doesn't mean you have to be.


End file.
